For these past few days I haven't been feeling like myself. I just don't know if I am just having depression or stress. Either that, I'm missing something that I've been missing for three years.
Gosh...I miss my uppa so bad. My weekend was the same and messed up. My parents were drinking and my mom brought my siblings and I across to Napaskiak. It was very foggy out and my mom was using just a headlight. As we were going, we were half ways across the river and I looked back. All I could see was pitch white fog. I couldn't see Oscarville, or the lights and I was a little scared. My mom was driving even though she was a little drunk. We were going and cruised through water and kept going. My mom was driving us to my grandmas house and dropped us off. She took off and before she took off I told her to stop. My mom stopped and I said, "You'll call when you get back to Oscarville!" She yelled back to me and said that she would call. Then she took off again with her headlight and I didn't see her as she was going. I walked to my grandmas with my siblings and my grandma asked where my mom was. I told her that she going back home and that she would call. I went out and went to check out my friends at her house. She was surprised that I went to Napaskiak and I asked if I could use the phone. I called up to my house 20 minutes after and I asked my dad, even though he was drunk, if my mom went back home yet. My dad asked me when she took off to Oscarville and I said, "She went there by herself and took off at 8:35." My dad sounded unsure that my mom never went to Oscarville yet and I became worried. I went to my grandmas house and my mom still never get home yet. I called my dad again and he said that he was at the river looking for my mom. My grandma was asking me if my mom went back home yet. I said no and I called the police to go look for her. I started crying like I've never cried before in a long time. I was soo mad and pissed off. I called my dad and yelled at him, started asking why they drank. He told me that he wasn't drunk, even though I saw him at home drunk, and that he was looking for my mom. He hung up and I wanted to go to the river so bad and look for my mom. But I knew it wasn't going to be good for me looking for my mom at the river because I might drown or something because of the fog. So I decided to wait and see if my mom would call from some where and be alright. I waited and waited for 4-5 hours for someone to call and say that my mom was ok. But no one called until I almost fell asleep. It was around 12 something at night and I was laying on the couch. The phone was by my side and I conked out when the phone started ringing. I couldn't hear anything and I knew I was scared to answer the phone. So I waited for my grandma to let me answer the phone and I woke up suddenly and answered the phone. It was my auntie Fannie and I told her that my dad was looking for my mom still and she said, "so dumb." Then I told her that my mom never go back home yet. My grandma had to come out of bed and I gave the phone to her. As my auntie Fannie and grandma were talking I was wondering if my mom was okay or if my auntie Fannie knew where my mom was. My grandma started sounding worried and I woke up wide awake to hear the news. I asked what was going on and she said that my mom was in Akiachak and that she was okay. She told me that my mom was trying to go to Kwethluk but then she got lost because of the fog. My mom was using only headlights and she was very, very wet when she got to Akiachak. I was so glad she was okay, but I was mad at the same time because I waited for 4-5 hours for someone to call. The next day, my mom went to Kwethluk. My auntie from KWT went to pick her up in Akiachak. I woke up around 9 something in the morning and I asked my grandma if we were leaving off to Akiachak. She said that we'll go and my sisters and my brother were excited. I called my mom and asked her if she'll pick us up from Akiachak with the snow-go and she said that she'll pick us up if she finds gas. My brother was planning on going to Oscarville with Randy to get Randy's dads snow-go and go up to Kwethluk. So they walked to Oscarville and by that time we were getting ready to go Akiachak. We were going by car and it was a full house in that car. We were going down river and we saw Randy and my brother with Randy's dads snow-go. Randy was driving and my brother was in between Randy and my drunk uncle. My uncle was still drunk and we told them to go my auntie Julia's house and let Randy's dad rest there. So I guess Randy and my brother went up to Kwethluk and made it because my brother came from there on Sunday. For long hours, we got to Akiachak (finally). It was boring at some times but had fun with my sisters and my friend. blah blah blah....It was Sunday and we went back home. Idk, I came home and my dad was at home too. Before we were going down to Oscarville, we went to Bethel to drop off my uncle Alexander to the airport. Then we went to AC to get some stuff and I called a friend of mine and said that I was going home. At AC I got Dibs ice-cream and Gatorade. I went back to the car and I didn't want to go home. So back at home, I called my mom, who was still in Kwethluk, said that she was coming back home. Afterwards, I went to see Jackie and yeah. Then Eleanore (my cousin) came back to Oscarville after from being in Bethel. I was glad that she came back and I went to check if my mom came back. She came back alright and my parents were arguing. I was mad with rage and cleaned the table. They were talking things through and after they were done...I went to my room and listened to music. My dad was in the living room and asked where Raeanne was. I didn't want to answer him because I was crying. He came to my room and asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything and tears were falling down my cheeks. He started talking to me and asked in a mean way what was wrong. I told him that I missed my uppa and he told me that...it's ok and that we'll see him again. I cried harder and said to clear anything in my mind about suicidal and other problems. I was trying to be tough, but tears kept coming out. My dad told me that even though hes acting like an a** hole, he still loves us and that he cares for me and my siblings. He may not show it, but he cares. My auntie Fannie tells him what's going on with me. My dad told me that people talk because they care. I was crying and crying. He even told me to start talking to my parents whenever I have problems. Because I can't keep it inside and it can't be like this anymore. I was thinking in my mind that it was going to be soo hard trying to tell them what my problems are. I had to look at my dad when he was talking and...I was thinking, "So hard..it's going to be too hard. But I can do it." After he was done talking, he went out of my room and I decided to go out. I stopped crying for a while until I went to Jackie's house. I went over and told her that I talked to my dad for a while and cried more. I told her it's been three years since I've missed my uppa. I miss him soo much, I can't forget. It's going to be hard and stuff. I told her that I couldn't damn wait to see my uppa again when its my time. We talked and she calmed me down. I felt sleepy after that and went to check Eleanore. We played card-games and told her about me. She too was worried about me and asked what was wrong. She and I knew that she cared about me and wanted to know why I cried. I told her and she said its ok, people can cry. After that I was getting sleepy and went home. Went to bed around 12 something and I couldn't forget about everything. Why does it have to be like this? WHY!?
1 comment:
I am glad you spoke to your parents. especially your dad. he needs to know how you guys feel when he does this. you know i had hard time when i lost my mom. but it passes and you just have to hang in there. there will be a time when we meet again with our loved ones that pass on. when God comes back, remember the people that passed away first will follow him first and then us. thats why we have to stay alive even though we have hard time in life. suicide is not the way to go see our loved ones. so even though u have hard time don't think of that, just give it to God by praying and letting it out by crying. I do that too when things get hard, like for my kids. especially when they act up in school or when they miss their only grandma, "my mum" just keep them alive in your hearts and always pray-pray before bed time or after you get up in the morning. i learned how to do that when my mom died. I kept her alive in my heart and when things get hard, i pray for God to take my sadness away. my kids do that too when its in the month of Dec. and Feb. thats when she died and it was her birthday. this is why i try to keep her alive is by having feasts in her memory and her death. your grandma does the same thing by having a feast for your uppa and its a good feeling after you have a feast for him. to keep his spirit with us and to keep him living in our hearts. even though u have hard time, it will pass and u will feel better when you cry or tell them to your friends. yes, friends are important in our life. with out friends, we can not take out our anger or feelings that we have inside and they tend to build up and before you know it, we burst into anger or hate inside. I am glad you tell your friends or relatives about what goes on with your life. just keep in mind that you are always loved, no matter what happens in your family. father's don't show love sometimes because they don't know how to express them. so. always respect them both because they do love you and your siblings. just remember to pray when you have a problem or when things don't go right. please don't take it into your hands, keep on living and take care of your family and stay together. take care and we love you too.
auntie, eliza ;-)
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